She concedes-it's time

I'm at an all time low. I don't know if it's this time of the year, the holiday season that is, or if it's the drop in temperature and lack of sunshine- (which yes, I live in San Diego I know this is not a valid complaint!) I find myself missing both the feeling I had this time last year-- that of falling in love and also missing the relationship with my oldest daughter.

December 2014, 2016

I think what has had the strongest impact on my mental health and overall emotional state is the "pain in my ass". The pain was triggered in May after I completed the Rugged Maniac obstacle course. I thought I just pulled a muscle, the gluteus maximus. It was a discomfort at first, it didn't reach the status of pain until months later. I continued with my normal physical activity despite the discomfort even when it reached pain status. I did a lot of home care to help heal it but it's likely that did nothing-- for the actual cause of the pain was not identified until this month. It has been identified as a tight Quadratus Lumborum (QL). And as a result the tennis ball is my new best friend! After finally going to my primary doctor I ended up working with physical therapy. This last session was the hardest because I didn't at all like what I was hearing.  "Give it a rest", "stop doing those exercises", "walk instead of run" etc. I didn't like hearing any of that and then to hear them, (yes, them I have had the good fortune of being double-teamed on!)- to hear them say, "you have to learn how to breathe". Well ain't that a showstopper not only have I been breathing for nearly half a decade, I also help guide others with proper breathing technique's to manage stress and anxiety. WTF!!??!! Did he just say? I was in shock. I was trying to follow along with the session and after enough breaths my way, their way, and both ways I understood. As we age we tend to lose or stretch and don't quite bounce back like we once did. In my case I never really had a need or an opportunity to have to bounce back as all I ever really did was roll on.  Having four babies and three of them within a six year period also has it's irreversible changes to the body.

 I find it ironic that while I often was under treatment with physical therapy due to work injuries I never worked quite as hard as I have been now. This has been a hard few weeks, this week being the hardest- I hope. I did take some time off my regular routine in the name of healing. Which is also hard when working out is a daily practice. As for now at this time I have to check my 'mind over matter' mentality at the door and bow to the almighty body that is my master for she owns me! It's amazing that only after you name it can you begin to tame it. And by  'name it' I simply mean identify that which was previously unacknowledged.  It hasn't been until recently where the toll of the pain physical and emotional has over powered me. On a positive note I now have a greater understanding and appreciation for those with chronic pain, another lesson that I could've lived without learning firsthand.

Another 6 weeks...PAUSED

Another 6 weeks for me to focus on.   The OTF 6 week weight loss challenge ended with a successful weight loss. That ran right into OTF "HELL WEEK", which as the theme suggests its  rather hellish.  OTF is an intense work out on any given day, or rather on every given day, but HELL WEEK really turned the heat up.  I completed 6 days of  HELL.  In October I went to OTF 23 days of the month. My self care plan is typically 3 to 5 OTF work outs a week with a hike/or a run on Mondays and Fridays.  On Friday 10/28 I ran along the coast for a few miles. It was a nice run, beautiful weather with wonderful scenery.  At the end of my run I sat on the beach and enjoyed my 400 calorie protein packed cookie and water.   I felt great. But on the drive home I began to feel not so good. Within a short amount of time I was feeling nauseas and I feared I was coming down with a  flu or something.  I had hit a wall. ---I did a lot of nothing that evening but I ate, started with some soup than slowly ate a few more times 300- 400 calories at a pop.  I ate good foods but I definitely ate more than I normally would. By the time I was going to bed I felt much better.  I was in the gym at 7a the following morning- feeling "normal" maybe it was something I ate? Or didn't eat?!

Earlier this month I had a Hydrostatic Body Fat test performed. The results were not surprising. The recommendations were mind blowing.   In June I had a Bioelectrical Impedance Bodyfat test performed. In June I came in at 28.4% body fat,  4 months later I came in at 27.3% bodyfat.  

With these findings I have revised my weight goal, ( I will never weigh 160). My new goal is 25% body fat.  

I was not surprised by they number on the scale for my weight, ( I still weigh daily). I was relieved by the body fat result. I am 2% body fat away from my goal. What was surprising, rather mind blowing actually-was the coaches recommendation to increase my calories by about 600 per day!  I felt like a little kid in a candy store,  mouth dropped, eyes wide open, yippy! Looking back I understood how after I ate, and ate, and then ate even more I felt better after hitting the wall the week prior ! 

And so, for 6 weeks Coach asks can I follow my program with the increase of  calories at a 40, 30, 30 ratio, (40% carbs!), yes, I can do that. The first week I lost 2 pounds!  I ate more each day than I have in over 2 years and I lost 2 pounds! That's  all great but every rose has its thorn-- and mine is a real stickler.  The thorn in my side is both literal and figurative. I have been battling a "pain" since May and at this point it's been determined it's a nerve "issue" and likely the result of a tight muscle in my back side. The physical therapist suggests I stop doing most of the exercises I have been doing. I told him I would take it under advisement😉 I am putting this 6 week focus on pause -- until I can go at it wholeheartedly!


www.bodyfattest.com

OTF WLC Done and that much closer...

The 6 week long 'Fitness Challenge' aka 'Weight Loss Challenge' has come to an end. I had my final weigh in today. I have been at a standstill wanting (needing) to lose 'about 20 pounds' for about a year.  This past 6 weeks I worked out a little more than usual. But my average week consists of 5 to 7 work outs normally. I tracked my calories with more of an emphasis on higher protein or a more balanced diet-- meaning 33% carbs, 33% fat, 33% protein. The biggest behavioral change over this past 6 weeks has been with the scale.  I went from weighing myself everyday, same time / same way to not at all. I literally hid the scale from myself. This final weekend I was very tempted to weigh myself. One day I was at my complex gym and walked by the scale and I swear my mouth was watering as I so badly was craving to get weighed! (addictions are funny that way!) I managed to not give in to those crazy cravings. I was a little worried this weekend even choosing to wait until Monday to weigh in lest it ruin an otherwise good weekend.  I had a few figures in my mind. I had a bottom line acceptable weight.  Today my weigh in came in at my bottom line acceptable weight. I was not surprised, I was relieved, yet I was also disappointed just not tragically so. My 3 week weigh in was a nice surprise, 8 pounds. My final weigh in was expectedly not as surprising. My total weight loss for the challenge? 11 pounds. I am more happy than not but I'm especially happy about being able to weigh myself on a daily basis again!  

Weight loss is one of those wicked games we play- you know the ones where you learn how to do it, then you do it well and as you get better at it it becomes harder!  

As we all know the numbers on the scale don't tell it all. Blah.blah.blah. Yes I know and I do agree, especially when I'm continually thought to weigh a lot less than I actually do.  (And I mean a lot less!) What I do know is that I weigh a lot, still. What I also know is that I have lost, and I have lost a lot! I will be happy when I reach my goal, and I am happy now.

I shared the news of this loss with a friend.  And, yes while a loss is great, I'm

still not where I want the numbers to be. Its amazing to me that one of the biggest and longest battles in my life would be one against my own fat. My friend sent me this picture to put things in perspective. It was eye opening and I for one will never look at fat loss the same!

OTF WLC week 5. Orange you glad the end is near?

 

     

                     The panic button has been pressed ! An OTF email this week mentioned the weight loss challenge being over the halfway point.  Coach emphasized the fact that this is when many people lose motivation and drop off. I admit I did have a pang of anxiety and thought "oh no!", thinking I'm not ready! Not ready to win it that is! At this point I no longer know if I'm wanting to win for the title or the results. I have no idea what my weight is either-going from a step-on-the-scale every day to not at all has been an interesting experience. 

Entering the final week now I don't know how I feel. I mean I don't know if I'm relieved that it's almost over, or if I'm sad to see it end, (is the challenge the variable to make a difference for me?) What I do know is that I can not possibly work any harder than I have been. I mean while it may technically be possible to work harder than I have it is not at all practical -not for me anyway.  

In December of 2015 I was at my lowest weight. (It was right before my arm surgery.) At the challenge weigh in I was 15 pounds higher than in December. At the mid-point weigh in (3 weeks) I was back to my baseline! I say baseline because it's pretty much the weight I have been (+- 5 pounds) for the past year. Although I'm not at my goal weight and I began this process 2 years ago I'm not discouraged. (Well, ok maybe a little!) I'm looking forward to the weigh in. Because I have no idea how much I have lost since the 3 week point. (If the number is the same I will probably have a heart attack. (Oh, actually I'm very heart healthy thanks to all the cardio I do I guess that isn't likely to happen!)

September 2016

I do know I have changed. My body has changed too. I think until the scale yields my goal weight numbers I will remain self motivated. The process for me is certainly no longer novel. It's definitely my lifestyle. 

I believe I should have lost a lot more weight than I have at this point. That's based on my diet and activity level. But I have always been more of a work harder rather than smarter type of person. Sometimes I wonder what is my fat trying to tell me? It seems it just doesn't want to leave. Recently when I asked a friend if they knew what happens after I reach goal weight they answered "maintain". No!  What happens after reaching a goal? It's simple --set a new goal!💪

  

OTF WLC half done or just begun?

I passed the halfway mark of the OTF 'get fitness', aka 'weight loss challenge'.  I weighed in this past weekend, 21 days into the challenge and the result was a 3% weight loss. In comparison to others I don't know if 1% per week is average. I do know for me it is a loss worth noting!  (I had been stranded in the valley of plateau hell).

I don't think I am working out more than I normally would. When I'm not in an OTF class I like to hike or run which means I exercise almost everyday. The competitor in me does add inspiration and motivation since this is a contest after all!  ---  I also have vision and mindset on a couple upcoming runs. The Celebration run, which I hope to be celebrating my OTF weight loss challenge success, and The Mermaid Series run which I look forward to running the 10 mile course in beautiful San Francisco! 

While I do believe in recovery days from intense work-outs, when it comes to weight loss I don't use "cheat day" or other excuses. As an explanation and a self-reminder I do use, "I'm in training" often .  And in training for what?  Sometimes it's something specific, such as a new PR, but all the time it is training to be better than yesterday!  

My first 10k (ever) last year, the Celebration Run! My cause for celebration? --because I can!

OTF Weight Loss Challenge week 2, tough to chew!

We are well into week 2, nearing week 3 of the weight loss challenge.  Our weekly e mail from OTF reminded us that weigh in's take place next weekend.  Suddenly that reality caused me anxiety.  I don't feel like I have lost. When I was weighed at the doctors office last week I hadn't lost much.  I was expecting a larger weight loss, I was hoping for it.  It seems like I have been "about 20 pounds away"  (from my goal weight) since the beginning of the year. No, I stand corrected, I have been "about 20 pounds away", since December 2015.  

Last week when I cried to my doctor about not losing weight she directed me to eat 400 calories less a day.  She says, "it's simple really, it's what goes in and what we burn out". Well one would think its that simple but it really isn't.  Or is it?

At first I refused to even entertain the idea of a 1200 calorie diet, based on the amount of physical activity I do. But now I'm considering it. I'm frustrated and I'm discouraged and this isn't typically like me. When I began with a personal trainer 2 years ago I told him I don't lose weight. He was on a regular basis surprised that I was not losing the amount of weight he thought I should be, based on my exercise and diet plan. People say it must be hard, the diet and exercising. I usually dismiss it, fortunalty despite being a (recovering,) compulsive overeater I'm not a foodie.  I'm really not into food. My tastes are simple. And as for the exercising some of the best times in my life were those times when I was being  physical , playing sports etc. before motherhood sidelined me. As I sit here almost the same weight as I was one year ago, I realize it is hard. It is very, very hard.  

This past week I drank a little but I also went on an amazing hike, Camelback Mountain. According to my ap I burned over 2000 calories!--- enough to cover the  alcohol and steak dinner!  I exercise almost daily sometimes more than once a day and I eat mindfully every day. When I'm not working out at OTF which is 3-5 times a week I'm hiking or running outside. It's like my body is in maintenance mode. My head is not nor is my heart.  I guess this is the time to take a long, hard look at what isn't working for me.  

I am grateful for the size and weight that I am now. I'm even more appreciative of all the things I can do, and the endurance I now have.  Not to mention the food-- my diet has drastically changed and for that I'm grateful! When I began this lifestyle change 2 years ago I set a weight goal, and that is still my target!  Somehow I have to reconnect my emotional back to my physical so we can work hand in hand to reach a (healthy weight)--my goal weight!!

OTF Weight Loss Challenge, a 6 week chunk!

My blog has focused on life in increments of '12 weeks at a time'.  This week marks the beginning of a 6 week chunk! I joined the OrangeTheory Fitness weight loss challenge. I'm excited to finally be able to participate in an OTF get fitness challenge!  The only requirements are attend a minimum of 3 classes per week and complete 2 weigh in's.  There is a monetary prize for 1st place.


My weight has been pretty constant give or take 3 pounds since June. I guess you can say I hit a plateau.  The formula is simple right?  Eat less, exercise more?  But I was, or was I? This get healthy journey of mine has been outside the normal curve since I began (September 2014). The strategy I have been using is classic; diet & exercise.  Fortunately, even though I have not reached my goal weight, the combination of diet & exercise is my way of life. I am hoping this WLC will drop me to my goal weight!

I have done a lot of reading in this area and research has shown that those who weigh themselves daily tend to lose more weight and keep it off longer. I decided for this 6 week challenge to add  an

extra bonus of not weighing myself. It's very weird to not weigh in everyday when it was so routine for me.   As I'm getting used to not weighing in daily I have discovered I am being  more vigilant with my eating.

I don't know if it's the OTF WLC or the not knowing where the scale lies. -- Either way, when what you have been doing isn't working, try something different! I am crossing my fingers!  Oh wait!! haha  (as with all things in life other than maybe love),  it's not about luck, it's about work!


Almost 1 week down, 5 to go! #TeamOrange  
 

What do you want?

So, I just came off the run of my life. This may seem like an exaggeration, but it's quite on point. If it's my reality who's to know whether or not it's an exaggeration.  I was afraid, very afraid of this run.  It was an impulse move--which I thought I had outgrown those impulsive tendencies but apparently still had a lesson to learn.  One night I was on FB when my time would have been better spent sleeping and I saw an ad for a 15k 1/2 marathon, with a very appealing t-shirt and title- The Stairway to Heaven run.  I looked in my calendar and saw it was open that morning and I decided I can do that! So I registered for the run then I looked to see how many weeks I had to train for it and discovered it was less than 3 weeks away, "oh shit". This wasn't any 15k I signed on to do, it was a trail run and clearly described as, "difficult, hilly and technical", as well as "challenging and extremely rewarding".  I took a deep breath and processed what I had just done. And told myself to never, ever register for a run after midnight again (wait until the morning with a clear head!)  I continued to tell myself I could do it.  Afterall I work out almost every day. The truth was due to a lot of vacation time, alcohol consumption and weight gain/loss in June / July I was not feeling my strongest. I feared my ego overrode my capability.  Well, what's the worse that could happen I thought?  I come in last? I don't finish?    yes, that's the worse, I don't finish. I will be satisfied with coming in last. Can I finish it in the time limit?  I trained the best I could on my own, and with the short time I had available. I like trail running. The running part didn't scare me, the steep 3/4's mile stairway up did! The hills didn't scare me, because going up the hills may be hard but the down is the reward, usually. Well, in this course there was no reward of downhill running!  And the hills were hell.  

The night before the race I kept asking myself,  "Am I going to do this? really?"  I woke a few times during the night and thought, "I don't know if I should do this".  I could just blow it off, sleep in. I was afraid.  I know the only way to get over a fear is to face it.  The entire morning from wake to out the door I kept with the critical mind chatter "you're not gonna do this.  omg Im gonna do this. you shouldn't do this. I don't have to do this....." and on.  Once in my car I thought , "Well, I'm gonna do this!"   While at the event my fear decreased a slight amount, after talking with other runners and their experience of it. I was thankful the temperature was not forecasted to hit over 100* because last year it was nearly *106 and people didn't finish, and were air lifted off the course. I stood there thinking I can do this. As the start time approached, I thought, "I am doing this" and off I went. I began with a mellow baseline speed until the first hill than I downshifted to a brisk walk, then came the downhill which was not any faster than my baseline speed.   "Difficult, hilly, technical and challenging", indeed. Another fear I had was of getting lost especially because I often get lost when I'm trail running by myself. Hearing other runners have this same fear helped me feel normal! I had decided I would be doing great as long as there were people ahead of me, so I can follow and as long as there were people behind me, so I wouldn't be last. Around mile 6 my self thought changed to, "I got this". Despite having intermittent symptoms of heat exhaustion I still knew I got it.  I finished, and thanks to a new friend I met on the course I finished strong! 

I have worked hard for this, not just the past 3 weeks but for the past 2 years.  And this is what I wanted. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to have power and endurance. I want the runners high!  I want to challenge myself, mentally and physically.  I want to work through my doubts. I want to better myself, every day.   --I learned some valuable lessons, such as don't commit to anything on the internet after midnight, coming in last will always be better than not even starting, it takes true bravery to face your fears and only the courageous show up. 

2016 Stairway to Heaven Ultra-Half Marathon and 15K

I am obese, and that's ok.

 Among a crowd someone joked about another's 'morbid obesity' being their disability. I was taken aback by this comment and I felt the need to speak up. I said, "Hey, I'm obese! Being morbidly obese is not very hard!"  The commenters response was to assure me that I was not obese.  But, yes, yes I am obese, and that's ok!

I am also only human and I am a dreamer.   Often dreaming up the impossible, that is easy. But when I dreamt for something that was possible that was difficult. It's difficult because if you have a dream that can come true there's only one thing in your way--it's  also the one thing that is required-- SELF.

I have been obese all of my life. I have had a dream of being a 'normal weight', being healthy and happy.   I am still obese, and I still have that dream!  Now when I state that I am obese I don't carry shame with it, I'm just matter of fact about it.  Obese is simply a word that describes a literal finding. The number on the scale each morning is a literal finding, and that number paired up with other factual findings (body measurements) is the formula to determine  ones BMI  (Body Mass Index) which is than classified in one of the following categories underweight, normal weight, overweight, obese, morbidly obese.  I have worked my way out of the morbdily obese category and I remain in the obese group. My goal weight and my dream weight, (20 pounds difference) will actually list me in the overweight category still.  My dream weight is a nice number I haven't weighed since I was about 14. My goal weight  is about what I weighed nearly 29 years ago (before motherhood took over).   It would be nice to hit my dream weight, I had formerly called it my 'cruise weight' but thats been a fail! - but when I hit my goal weight that may be success enough to satisfy my dream of  being a 'normal weight'  and being healthy and happy. 

The difference between a dream and a goal is simply the plan.  Truthfully almost any dream can become an achieved goal with a proper plan.  The dreamer is responsible to turn into the planner.  A plan that is practical will produce results.  As much as I like to dream I also like to plan.  Dreams are thoughts, goals are ideas and actions lead to results.

I have not met the time line for any of my goal weight benchmarks during this past year and a half.
With about 25 pounds left to lose for my initial goal weight, I am planning to lose 1/2 of that in the next 21 days. Chances are high that this too will be another fail but in the long run its a win / win trying💪 ---      
     
            Summer Vacation 2016 ready or not here I come!!

      "about 100 pounds lost"  ❤️

I am .... .... .... ....

I am a runner.  I think that's the first time I have said it. It is definitely the first time I have said it with certainty. What I tend to say is "I run" even "I like to run" or "I'm going for a run". When people call me a runner I feel it necessary to correct them by using one of the above quotes. Sometimes I have even said, "more like a jogger". To me, a runner is someone who can run for miles and miles. All while enjoying it of course. I can run 3 miles, then after that I can do some serious walk / run intervals for miles and miles!

 I like to run, that part I can own and have done so since I began training to increase my endurance. I feel good while I run, even dipping into feeling great-which is always how I feel after I run, even when I'm not too enthusiastic  before my run begins. On days where I don't get a run in I notice a difference. If two or more days pass and I don't get a run (or a hike)  in those closest to me can notice! 

 I was going to run to my gym class on Friday morning. I ran short on time so I drove. While entering the gym other members walked out with their red, hot, flushed faces, sighing with relief to be done. Before class began the trainer said we were going to run for distance for 22 minutes. Some members didn't look very excited to hear that was in the plan for today.  I wasn't sure what the issue was, assuming some members took issue with it. We typically run 18-22 minutes during any given class. What would running for distance matter?  When I began the cardio work, the running for distance- at about 12 minutes in I noticed some treadmills were slowing down, some even stopped.  In my head I thought to myself, "I'm a runner. I better be able to run 22 minutes without stopping. I am a runner." -- as I heard me repeat myself I finally felt ownership in saying, "I am a runner".  The only problem I encountered was wanting to pee at about 15 minutes in. I was thinking how it would be so much more enjoyable if I would go to the restroom. But I didn't want to not go the distance with non stop running for only 22 minutes !  

I do not have a runners body. But I am a runner. I have more of a line backers body. But I run.  I watched my 10 year old daughter performing dance moves in the living room the other day. She said she didn't quite have the body for a certain spin. I acknowledged that there is such a thing as a dancers body.  But I didn't dare tell her she couldn't dance. I said, "you have muscle. Your body is built like an athlete. But you can dance!"--

If you think you can, then you can. While it's good to know what you can't do and what your not, such as I'm not built like a runner, and I'm not running 7 minute miles. it's more important to know what you are and what you can do! 

One and a half years later ---

Time is on my side--

“The strongest of all warriors are these two —                                                          Time and Patience―    Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

                                                               

  I first began this blog as a way to hold myself accountable. I continue it to share my journey.  The first goal I set in 2013 was a fail, but I didn't quit. With that goal came the "ah-ha" moment for me when I realized I must be 'fit to follow', my followers being my children who have no choice but to mirror me, their parent.  It's for this reason I couldn't quit. A parent never quits their child before the job is complete.

After 8 months of almost no change in weight or endurance I realized no matter how smart, deserving and well intentioned I was I needed help. So I began working with a personal trainer.  When you're not advancing towards what you want professionals are trained to assist you, (and no one is above receiving personal assistance). That was the best 6 month investment I made.  It is now 18 months later.

From 0 to a 5k, to a 10k and through a 15k

Time management and self discipline were my chosen methods of self sabotage. I misused my time and abused my body. Ironically time management and self discipline are the very ingredients necessary for any success. 

Working with a trainer forced me to use the time with discipline, while allowing me to focus on what my body could and couldn't do. My self discipline has greatly improved and I still have the same 24 hours in a day as I did 3 years ago. 

As cliche as it is its true its not a diet but a lifestyle change. With the emphasis being on LIFE rather than DIEt.  I would love to post about making my goal weight, but I haven't yet. I would love to post about making my goal of a 30 min 5k, but I haven't yet.   I am posting about the changes in my life, emotionally and physically as they occur. When people know better they do better.   I have chosen to run a half marathon,  (despite my swearing to my trainer I would never do such a thing!) -- Originally I was hoping to not come in last, then I began hoping to just finish, now I'm simply proud that I can make the start! 

I will be running the ZION 100-, in honor of my 46th Birthday because now I know nothing tastes as good as healthy does.   And as long as I'm alive I have the time. 

"Here and Now" trumps "before and after", always and forever!

We all have a history. The way we thought or acted before we changed. It could be a welcomed change or a painful  change. We could work  extremely hard to create a change or we can work just as hard to avoid a change! Change is inevitable.  Fantasy and Delusion are optional. 

When I began this blog two years ago I had a simple idea-->turned to dream-->turned to fantasy, mixed in with a lot of delusion and now I have my reality.  

During the past 26 months I have changed in many ways. Some small, some big. Some expected, others never before considered.  As I sit here now accepting the changes of my  choices I realize desirable changes will continue as long as I make healthy choices. I would have to review each of my previous blogs to fully account for the surprise changes that have helped me get to here.  What I do know is the past is gone, the present is mine and the future remains unknown.   The past will always be a bridge to your future, "before" and "after" will never cease to exist, but what truly matters is the here and now!--

Today, I sit here, down about 100 pounds. Feeling out of shape, sort of. I say "sort of" only because I'm not really sure what "in shape" feels like. --- In December I had a brachioplasty done (aka arm lift). Something I never, ever even considered in my wildest fantasies. But today, it is my reality. While I'm still in recovery mode my changed 'lifestyle' is compromised. I have not been able to run or perform "strenuous exercise" .  I have begun hitting the treadmill and the trails and that feels good. I cant believe how much I took being able to run for granted!  Of course it's true you often don't know what you have until you no longer have it!  I admit while my exercise routine has been off so has my eating. And my tracking calories!  But I am beyond satisfied in reporting that there is no significant weight change.  Today I weigh what I did when I weighed in 1 month ago.  (and I weigh in every day).   To me, this informs me that this is my life.  Not a diet, not a program, not even a plan. It's my life, as a result of the choices I make.  I enjoyed some serious peppermint bark over the holidays, even consumed alcohol too! Not to mention the straight out munchies I think were the result of the pain killers I was on!  I kept the 80% - 20% rule in mind, even while indulging in less than healthy food items! Never once did I tell myself, or anyone else, "I'm on vacation", or "its a special occasion", or "I deserve this". No, by believing those thoughts I would be feeding into a delusion. I prefer the reality. While living in the here, and the now the reality of circumstances is sometimes difficult to manage, yet other times when it's smooth it's completely blissful. -- A delusion on the other hand is just that, a delusion--  'a false belief or opinion...' .  (a lie we tell ourself). I have many before and after images and stories, and while I accept my past for what it was I take from it both the positive and the painful realities that enabled me to arrive at the here and now. 

Sunday, January 24th will be the first 5k I run, post surgery. Ironically, it is the same- Carmel Valley 5k goal I had in mind in 2013 when I began this story.  I am hoping it goes well because I seriously do have to begin training--- because I registered for a half marathon in Zion National Park! I'm still unsure if  my decision to run this half marathon, a first for me, is a fantasy turned into reality or a delusion in and of itself (for the future remains unknown)!