What do you want?

So, I just came off the run of my life. This may seem like an exaggeration, but it's quite on point. If it's my reality who's to know whether or not it's an exaggeration.  I was afraid, very afraid of this run.  It was an impulse move--which I thought I had outgrown those impulsive tendencies but apparently still had a lesson to learn.  One night I was on FB when my time would have been better spent sleeping and I saw an ad for a 15k 1/2 marathon, with a very appealing t-shirt and title- The Stairway to Heaven run.  I looked in my calendar and saw it was open that morning and I decided I can do that! So I registered for the run then I looked to see how many weeks I had to train for it and discovered it was less than 3 weeks away, "oh shit". This wasn't any 15k I signed on to do, it was a trail run and clearly described as, "difficult, hilly and technical", as well as "challenging and extremely rewarding".  I took a deep breath and processed what I had just done. And told myself to never, ever register for a run after midnight again (wait until the morning with a clear head!)  I continued to tell myself I could do it.  Afterall I work out almost every day. The truth was due to a lot of vacation time, alcohol consumption and weight gain/loss in June / July I was not feeling my strongest. I feared my ego overrode my capability.  Well, what's the worse that could happen I thought?  I come in last? I don't finish?    yes, that's the worse, I don't finish. I will be satisfied with coming in last. Can I finish it in the time limit?  I trained the best I could on my own, and with the short time I had available. I like trail running. The running part didn't scare me, the steep 3/4's mile stairway up did! The hills didn't scare me, because going up the hills may be hard but the down is the reward, usually. Well, in this course there was no reward of downhill running!  And the hills were hell.  

The night before the race I kept asking myself,  "Am I going to do this? really?"  I woke a few times during the night and thought, "I don't know if I should do this".  I could just blow it off, sleep in. I was afraid.  I know the only way to get over a fear is to face it.  The entire morning from wake to out the door I kept with the critical mind chatter "you're not gonna do this.  omg Im gonna do this. you shouldn't do this. I don't have to do this....." and on.  Once in my car I thought , "Well, I'm gonna do this!"   While at the event my fear decreased a slight amount, after talking with other runners and their experience of it. I was thankful the temperature was not forecasted to hit over 100* because last year it was nearly *106 and people didn't finish, and were air lifted off the course. I stood there thinking I can do this. As the start time approached, I thought, "I am doing this" and off I went. I began with a mellow baseline speed until the first hill than I downshifted to a brisk walk, then came the downhill which was not any faster than my baseline speed.   "Difficult, hilly, technical and challenging", indeed. Another fear I had was of getting lost especially because I often get lost when I'm trail running by myself. Hearing other runners have this same fear helped me feel normal! I had decided I would be doing great as long as there were people ahead of me, so I can follow and as long as there were people behind me, so I wouldn't be last. Around mile 6 my self thought changed to, "I got this". Despite having intermittent symptoms of heat exhaustion I still knew I got it.  I finished, and thanks to a new friend I met on the course I finished strong! 

I have worked hard for this, not just the past 3 weeks but for the past 2 years.  And this is what I wanted. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to have power and endurance. I want the runners high!  I want to challenge myself, mentally and physically.  I want to work through my doubts. I want to better myself, every day.   --I learned some valuable lessons, such as don't commit to anything on the internet after midnight, coming in last will always be better than not even starting, it takes true bravery to face your fears and only the courageous show up. 

2016 Stairway to Heaven Ultra-Half Marathon and 15K