on to the final 4...

Honestly I lost track of how many weeks are now behind me, not that it matters anyway. What does matter is whats up ahead and it is now the final 4!  

"lost track" - "off track" is one of those catch alls that we use for anything, mainly for an excuse to explain an unmet expectation, or a lapse in judgement. It is one of  my peeve phrases.  And for that reason I will not say I am going to get back on track, now that the holidays have passed.  I didn't get off track, I made choices.  I chose to not track my food, to not track with my fitbit and to not practice health-conscious eating.    This doesn't mean I didn't care what I ate, or  that I ate whatever sounded good and it doesn't mean I didn't exercise. It means I lived the way I did about 14 weeks ago! (prior to this installment of  12 weeks at a time,  and before training with Bo).

The choices I made all have their own consequences. Now that I consciously made  unhealthy choices and I experienced the unintended consequences I know better.  When waking up with a headache is the result of an overdose of sugar its a firm reminder that I drank the poison.  While celebrating late into the night was fun at the time I didn't think ahead as to how the next day, or days would be effected. Thankfully I did work during the out of town holiday week. When I work I make a conscious choice to be responsible with my behavior in order to perform well.  And thats what I need to remember, I need to feel well in order to perform well.

   The time away we had during our Arizona thanksgiving holiday came with a weight gain, and I ate much better and exercised much more then our Nor Cal christmas trip.  I am fearful of where my ##s are now. Proud of my 13 min mile do I still have what it takes?  (13 is not where I want it to be, but 15 is where I started!)-Realizing the weight goal for 12/25 was an impossible achievement, I'm afraid to see how far off I am:(  I did minimal exercise while we were away but it felt great!  I now know I could have done more and I can only imagine how much greater it could have been.

The holidays are over, we have returned home. I can now resume to my "routine". I managed to lose the turkey gain rather quickly, not easily-but quickly. I'm hopeful that I will do the same, assuming there is a weight gain.  I have 4 weeks until the Carmel Valley 5k but only 2 weeks before the 5k Rum Run. I'm not wanting to place in either of these, I just want to run the distance! --and I know I can.

I did receive an incredible gift this past week- knowledge.  I know now the things that I want, and its only from experiencing the things that I now know I don't want!

This was the hardest blog for me to write yet-- and I think it has been the most powerful!

I will FORGET the PAST,
I will FACE the FUTURE,
and I WILL RUN!!

11 Weaks Done, 7th week has been fun..

Time sure flies when your having funnn, naah---- nah you know what? - Time just flies!
Seven weeks until its go time. I am ready.  Ready for what?- That I'm not too sure about but I am ready!  The days leading into this week have been impressive for me. The  holiday induced +3 has balanced out and I have been justifiably compensated with a -8.  Those ##'s place me on track as far as my weight loss goal.

The thing about my weight loss goal is that I have broken it up into increments, I made it more manageable. I had one goal (with no target date), which I surpassed some time ago, then I set my next goal - which is what I'm working towards now with a target date (merry xmas to me:),  afterwards the next goal, with a target date (5/3/15) then the ultimate goal slated for 8/5/15.

 My first goal was small and do-able. Well, it was a small goal, but actually had not been do-able for me since 2011. - I kept it a reasonable goal so that I could succeed.  Success provides a sense of accomplishment. The powerful feeling of accomplishment provides the much needed motivation for continued success.  Each goal was set with a personal reward, and even though I met goal #1 I have not cashed in on my reward, (a new piercing). My goal set for 12/25 is more difficult and when I succeed at it, the empowering feeling of earning that accomplishment will be its own reward! The goal set for May 3rd is the last huge hurdle before I cross into the finish line and  into my ultimate goal-a trip to Maui!  Actually its a 2fer,  some very special people in my life are making the ultimate commitment (legalizing it anyway) and having their wedding in Maui, so I will be rewarded by being a part of their beautiful day surrounded by true love and beauty!  And what better personal reward than a holiday in paradise! (correction: a kid-free holiday in paradise).

Since the beginning of this 12 weeks at a time  I have said that this isn't about weight loss, which it isn't. It is about a lifestyle change, and changes don't happen without gains and losses.  The weight is my greatest loss during this change of lifestyle.  Many things have changed, actually improved.  I think improved is a more accurate word than changed.  I now eat spinach for goodness sake! -and I like it! I run-- for fun! Speaking of, this week I went on a nice hike -going even further than the last time. I am almost ashamed and definitely embarrassed to admit it but this hike wasn't even possible for me last year. I would hike up the first leg then not knowing what was up ahead steeper and deeper I turned back playing it safe.  Since I began training with Bo he has pushed and pushed me. I felt confident enough to hike even further. Tuesday I went the furthest, and deepest in I ever have. And then as if that wasnt enough I had training with him afterward!

 --I have no doubt without Bo's help I wouldn't be where I am today. And that includes being sore! My body aches daily, well not true it didn't ache when I drove to Phoenix, well it did actually, but it was more of a longing.  When I'm not working it, or feeling it (the aches) I'm craving it!--
*of course  I may reconsider this after I train 3x's a week with Bo (rather than 2'xs)--thank goodness time sure does fly!

On the mountains of truth, you can never climb in vain;
either you reach a point higher up today,
or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.
------Nietzsche 

Week 10 down, 11 almost through, what am I going to do?

Its a good thing I'm not dieting or trying to get in shape because those ambitions are not compatible with the months of October, November and December.  What I'm after is that golden ticket-- a lifestyle change. (rather ironic that I used a reference from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!?)

If you think about it "lifestyle change", what does it really mean anyway? You can change the batteries in a smoke detector, you can change the light bulb in a lamp, you can change the tires on your car-even change your hair style!!--but how do you change your life? As if you can wake up one day and declare "I change my life". Nope, it doesn't work that way. It does start with a slight desire to change, (the precontemplation stage), it sounds like "I wish" or "if only",  "that would be nice" etc. Then after entertaining what feels like wishful thinking and impossible accomplishments you enter the contemplation stage. During the contemplation stage you start to consider the pros's and the con's of change.  You give serious thought to setting goals that seemed out of reach in the precontemplation stage. You remain ambivalent throughout this stage,  but, when you proceed through, it is where interest coincides with motivation. These 2 variables interest+motivation lead to preparation. Preparation is a series of choices. (and a requirement of making change-) Once preparation has been initiated you are ready for the main ingredient which is ACTION.--

It will always hold true that action speaks louder than words. I can say I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to out run my kids. Without my taking action those words are meaningless.  Once the action phase is fully managed and under control you enter the maintenance stage.  I'm not there, and I am far from being there, however, I am thankful to be in the ACTION stage.

This past week and a 1/2 allowed me to go out of town for the thanksgiving break. This meant no sessions with Bo and food on the go. I planned for healthy eating and I did get a few miles of run time in. I also drank a lot of calories:(    We were pool side with my kids eating from the grill while I ate yogurt and pretzels. At the restaurant my kids ate their favorites I ordered salad. Which would have been great if I didn't chase the salad down with long islands or similar liquids. None the less I thought I did well overall. Even on the actual feast day itself!--I would have stayed within healthy limits (vino included) if only Fireball wasn't involved.  We drove for over 12 hours round trip and I drank only water, (a big change from the usual diet coke and mountain dew consumption), and for snacking on I ate carrots and almonds an even bigger change from the road trip required doritos and reese's pieces of  my past. I felt changes were made since different ways were had.

Upon our return home I was curious of my number. I did not expect to lose any weight, I was hoping for no gain either. Sadly, I was let down and there was a gain. I had both fear and excitement for my sessions with Bo to resume. I was actually looking forward to his training  but I feared his  (our) reaction to the scale.  I assumed he would want to check, but he didn't, He only asked me what it was, no doubt he knew I was mindful of the number. He didn't seem surprised at all I was still upset! -- I whined about the healthy choices I made yet the end result did not reflect them.  While I know if  I indulged or bought into the whole 'i'm on vacation' mentality the gain would have been much more than 3 pounds I still felt cheated.  I'm blaming it on the alcohol.  Well ok, on the choice I made to consume the alcohol! --

 

Week 9 down, 8 to go...as the numbers flipped so have I slipped....

Last blog was week 8 with 9 to go, this week its week 9 with 8 to go. There is now more time behind me than in front of me.  Its both a little scary as well as a little exciting. 

I dont know whats gone on these past 2 weeks, but this week really took a downward turn.  It was a short week  at school 2 weeks ago for my children, and early out this whole week, with all of next week off.  Last week Bo had to reschedule one  session and this week I needed to reschedule. Next week I will miss both sessions because we are going out of town.  These changes in my routine or my expected plans for the day have really thrown me for a loop!  I adapt to changes fairly well so Im not sure what has caused this "stinky thinking" that has paved the way for me to slip.  Seems almost--no it doesn't seem-- it is self sabotage.  The nearer I get to my goal the weaker I become in my focus. I really hope Bo doesn't read this because if he does I have no doubt that he will compensate for my perceived weakness in my training program! --  It starts so innocently, I say Im going to work out right after I drop the kids off, but then something interferes.  Work, or a task of some sort etc. Then I say I will do  it before I pick the kids up, but then I'm engrossed in completing whatever task I felt was more important than my work out. So then I say I will do it after their home-right. There is basically no me time after their home! -  Why cant I put my health first? Why cant I make myself a priority? Its not that I can't, it's simply that I don't. Or I didn't, but now I will!--Yesterday and all day today I was looking forward to working out. I was actually craving a good workout. And time just kept on slipping away from me.  And the food, oh my the food.  Not entirely bad, but again I was off way off! A celebration drink here and a celebration cupcake there what will the celebration days ahead of me involve?! 

The big picture of this process is a life change and a life change can't happen in its entirety without involving the whole family.  My son often joins me at the gym I asked him if he wanted to join me working out while we are on holiday, I said I wanted to run at least 2 miles a day, my son looked surprised and said he didn't think I could run 2 miles! I said nothing because my ability to run more than 2 miles is a task I do for me, not him.  What others think of me really isn't any of my business.  My son and I are going to do our mile long competition, I have yet to win it! --and we both will weigh in, literally, before we leave this week.  

When life seems upside down do your best to turn it around!  I am striving towards clean eating, consistent exercise and continued weight loss. With this being the holiday season and all, I will miss several sessions with Bo in December as well. Bo's solution to our missed sessions is to make them up by training 3 days a week, now that is a scary, scary thought! --

Week 8 down, 9 to go...half way there and no life ain't fair...

Last week my witty headline was "theres always the high and the low", little did I know that would be the beginning of an unforeseeable low:(   This week has been hard. Emotionally hard.  I have had a lot of factors weighing heavily on me, (pun always intended).  I tend to get sensitive and irritable  (for a short period of time) on a monthly basis, and it's expected-so I prepare the best I can so others don't have to bear the burden.  This past week has been different. It began with the number on the scale, it was the same number that showed up the week before.  As much as I may say I am not concerned about the weight loss but more about getting fit and healthy, thats a lie.  Of course I'm concerned about the weight loss and its defined by the number on the scale. It was a real discouragement which did the opposite to motivate me during my workout. And to make matters worse I couldn't let the disappointment go. I try to not sweat the small stuff , but I'm a heavy sweat'er by nature. I tried to make sense, analysing the previous two weeks. Number wise, it was amiss.   It just made no sense. I was on track with food and exercise-- it felt very unfair.

Then  Fall hit.  The mornings were chilly, some even brought drizzle, the sky dark and gloomy (or just not bright blue and sunny!) the afternoons disappeared early while the evenings seemed longer and colder. I know I shouldnt complain because our average Fall temp this week was probably 66*, still a flip flopping, no jacket needed comfort zone! ---  but again, something was off for me and managing my optimism was not happening easily. 

I missed a few days of  working out this week too! I didnt mean to, I mean no one sets out to purposely miss working out. But I lacked the drive. -even while I was still dwelling on the unchanged number or perhaps because I still was.

The highlight for me this week was when Bo asked me, "What's wrong?"  I just turned my head and told him I didn't know but I had been this way all week. He reminds me "it will pass", I agree. Even though intellectually we know something, our unconscious doesn't always accept it. I knew while in training with Bo I didn't have to act any different than how I was feeling. I would be distracted enough to step away from the funk I was feeling.   He introduced me to tabata. I kinda like her. Even though 1/2 way through session I knew I was going to be hurting the following day. I was wrong, the hurt came on later the same evening and continues today! -- I still like her, I might meet up with her again later. 

While training with Bo I told him about the Save a Life Walk that I participated in over the weekend. In sharing that experience with him I realized perhaps that was my problem-- I had not fully processed the  emotional effects the event had on me. As I pondered this ah-ha moment I realized it fit.   I failed in reaching my fundraising goal, a big time fail. Mainly because I was short on time, at least thats my story,  but I also think it was because I was avoiding the emotional toll. Setting up my fundraising page was a huge emotional expense.  Fortunately for me it is not too late to help raise funds for Save a Life San Diego--the community walk was last weekend and donations are being collected into January 2015.  Please join me, in helping to Save a Life....----

Suicide is seldom the only answer and rarely the best choice. The collateral damage of a suicide is as unknown as is the reasons why one completes a suicide. The loss, the pain the questions never go away. You can be an incredible comedian touching the lives of many for generations to come like Robin Williams or  be one of the greatest linebackers with an amazing legacy like Junior Seau. You can be the girl next door, the boy down the street, the soccer mom, the CEO dad,  the elder around the block or the soldier who just returned home--or you can be their neighbor, friend or family member.  It doesnt matter who you are or what your not, a suicide is a different kind of loss that lasts the survivor's lifetime. And it for sure is a reminder that Life ain't fair.

http://savealifewalk.kintera.org

Week 7 down, 10 to go..there's always the high and the low...

This past week was informative, yet still. Last week I spoke about my growing bucket list. Many of the things on my list can easily be checked off. Several items could have been accomplished already, but I haven't felt comfortable enough in following thru. -- In other words, thats a graceful way of saying I have lacked the confidence to do so!  Which is ironic because confidence has always has been a strong quality of mine.  This week Bo mentioned that he gets the feeling I don't like rules, I told him I don't like stupid rules. He laughed, but I know its because he understood what I meant! 

I also came clean with him earlier this week and told him I don't like to grunt when  I am working out. I feel its attention seeking and I already know how bad  and tough I am. I don't need any more of that type of attention. He was right when he counseled me telling me this was the time to be bad and tough. When you are working out you do want to work hard. I realized then grunting during training would  be inevitable. I didn't grunt per se, but there was definitely some heavy breathing and other sound effects which I would normally try to stifle. ---  This is the time and the place to be bad and tough. Yes true, and with that resonating within me I began to feel myself get a little cocky. Which tripped me out, I think with cockiness comes recklessness and those either together or separately 

undercut discipline. I dont want to be cocky, I want to be confident. I dont want to be reckless I want to be disciplined. I dont want to be bad and tough. I want to be fit and healthy. --- I also don't think of the Carmel Valley 5k much at all!  This process of mine is no longer just focused on the goal that initiated my desperation, I mean my decision,  to seek a personal trainer.  I signed up for a 5k that is scheduled before the original one.  The thought of 'can I run it' never crossed my mind, because I know I can do anything I put my mind to!

This has been an uplifting week, no doubt the World Champion GIANTS had something to do with my positive mind set. I worry about what will happen with them next year, but for now I will enjoy their present success!The number on the scale has not been very impressive to me. But, given my weekend getaway no gain is as good as no loss! A few weeks back Bo said I wasn't sweating enough, although I think its a vision impairment on his part I found myself no longer being satisfied working out on my own unless I'm dripping in sweat! -- and worse- I kinda like it!

Food has been an interesting situation this week. Never would I have thought an 80 calorie yogurt would be a satisfying breakfast, but it is. Adding oatmeal to a smoothie was definitely a game changer for me! --way fulfilling and worth the extra calories.  I even bought several green and orange  vegetables this week as well as hummus! -- yes, hummus, for reals. Its right next to my goat cheese! --
Good bye Doritos, hello hummus!

175 calories-- lasts longer, tastes better, better for you--

Week 6 down, 11 to go... Say it ain't so!

Wow!  11 weeks to go, one more and it will be the final 10 week count down! -- 6 weeks in now and I feel comfortable. Hard to imagine that I would be ok cranking the treadmill up and running, just running. Looking back as I  ran my first complete mile in week 3 I spoke of not feeling present in the run, and I was not clear headed.  Now I feel present, whole and grounded and my mentality is like, "bring it!" -- Many of the tid bit pieces of inspiring motivation or factual information that Bo has fed me these past few weeks accompany me at different times -- mostly when I want to slow down or stop.

Today has been an odd day, the thought to cancel training with Bo entered my mind, I have much to do since I'm now taking a somewhat impromptu trip to San Francisco, home of the 2010, 2012 and 2014 WORLD CHAMPIONS! - However, I thought what's one hour out of my day?-- so despite the lack of sleep, because seriously who could sleep after such an awesome win by the GIANTS last night, I made no attempt to cancel training with Bo.  --As it turned out, Bo had to cancel with me. Wow. I thought, just wow! -- and I'm ok with that! No disappointment here. This opened up time for me to get the oil changed etc. Even though there was no training session with Bo, that doesnt mean im not in training. There is no excuse not to exercise!

Things I said I would NEVER do!! --   I have been adding to my bucket list of late, which got me thinking about the things I am now doing that I swore I would never do!! --There are some things, such as groaning loudly on a machine, as in loudly like having a baby loudly, you know what I mean, that I have told myself "I would never do that", and I have found myself doing just that. Just once, Tuesday with Bo. It didn't seem to bother him, he was probably pleased. I of course didn't make mention of the shock I felt when such a sound escaped my mouth-for I knew if I made a comment he would have made me repeat it! -- When I first stopped sugar  (years ago) I remember thinking I will just have it with my coffee, because I didn't think I would be able to drink it black. But I was, funny thing, I don't even drink coffee now!  Another one of the things I said I would never do was weigh food.--  I always said I would NEVER weigh my food. But now I have because this week I did and I will again!     Which for me this is clear evidence that I am changing more than I expected. Who knows perhaps one day I will enjoy cooking?   (thinking not, but ya never know). I may even plan ahead and prepare our weekly meals  at one time! (as Bo suggests as well as Angela does!) -- Yes, I think I just might, but not sure, so I can't  say it ain't so?! But, groaning at the gym? Oh my say it ain't so!?!

3 oz

week 5 down, 12 to go...Today I can say I am ready

I took my running to the streets this past week. It was an interesting  experience to say the least. I thought I was running for 15 minutes and when I stopped to check it was a 1/2 mile later and only 5 minutes had passed.  I didn't have ear buds in so perhaps the time would have felt differently if I had something other than my footsteps, erratic breathing, the birds and  the cars to listen to. I stopped and inhaled the beautiful view of Carmel Valley before I returned, knowing it was going to only take me 5 minutes! Next time I will be better prepared with a song list and won't wonder about the time or distance, as Bo says, "just run".

This week I was thinking about how I haven't written much about food or my weight. My focus is not on losing weight but on gaining perspective. The pounds are dropping but according to Bo not as much as he expected.   He was not happy with my weight loss. I was.  Well, I wouldn't say I was happy with it, but I was fine with it. I got a hard lecture on sticking to a 'food plan', when I would say I stuck with it at least 80% of the time.- I wasn't too upset about his lecture, I mean he had many valid points. I was not going to try to excuse myself away I simply said it's about perspective. Yes he was upset I ate our Friday night pizza, but I informed him I had 1 piece, not 3 like I would have before. Yes, I ate that snack bag of doritos, but it was only like 25 chips and 150 calories! -- which I savored every second of! and that Justin's dark chocolate peanut butter cup is organic!----

 The large eye opener for me this week was the new relationship I have with food. I cant explain it, or even know how it came about. I actually enjoy most meals, because they are  either healthy or they are tasty and low calorie, sometimes they are both!  Years ago when I joined overeaters anonymous I was proud of myself for being able to order an ice cream cone from Mc Ds for my children and not have one myself.  Last month I went thru the Mc Ds drive thru and hard as it was to by pass the sausage mcmuffin I opted for the yogurt parfait instead.  Today, I can order my children anything, anywhere and I won't crave the same fast food crap, and I certainly dont desire to eat crap!

So yesterday, with Bo disappointed in the ## of pounds lost he decided to have me run a 5k @4.5 mph. I had no doubt I could do it. When I began training with Bo he said I would be running a 5k well before the actual 5k run, I thought that made sense.    When he told me the plan at session #5 that I would be running 1 mile under 15 minutes I didn't think it was possible, I felt I wasnt ready, but it happened. Five weeks (and 9 sessions later) I can say I am ready to run a 5k. (not how I envision it but nonetheless I can do it!) --- I am NOT ready to end training with Bo and I am ready to  continue to improve my perspective while increasing both my weight loss and my running time!---

@ Torrey Pines 

week 4 down, 13 to go...Either way you will grow

As the physical work continues,  so does the mental work. This past week I prepared myself (mentally) and I felt good, and strong as I headed towards Bo. The session was great, but the feelings of good and strong were replaced with the feelings of weak and worn!  I wasn't mentally weak or worn but physically I was! As I shared this feeling with Bo he just smiled. --making me think its true that personal trainers are sadists in the making.  Of course that isn't true, but it sure  can feel that way.
One of the things I like most about working with Bo is that he has a no nonsense mentality, little tolerance for excuses and a sense of humor.  I dont have much patience for excuses either, I simply believe either you did or you didnt. The reason may be interesting, the excuse may be sensible but neither change the outcome.  Yes, No, try again.--- If you were supposed to do something, but something (insert excuse here) got in your way then you try again. If you can try again hopefully you can learn from the failed attempt and make changes so next time you do it, and there is no excuse.
I have gone to work with Bo off nearly no sleep, when I've been sick  (or caring for sick kids) or when my work schedule is very busy. Yesterday I had a previously scheduled dentist appointment for some major work. I knew I was pushing it having an 8:15a appointment but I thought I would make my session with Bo.  I was feeling a little concerned about the intensity of the training in relation to the numbing and other after effects of the dental work. The thought crossed my mind to reschedule  but hating excuses as much as I do-- I didn't think that reason was good enough.  Then, as if the universe knew better (which it does), moments before the dental work began Bo sent me a mesg needing to reschedule.  And I'm not gonna lie I felt no disappointment!  I was relieved, and the work was much more painful than I had planned on it being. --I was able to recover comfortably while at the same time knowing that Bo's unavailability has nothing to do with my ability to work out. There simply was no excuse for me not to work out. -- How  strenuous of a work out is a different story.

 I feel with Bo if I say something is hard  he pushes for more, I guess the thinking is that it then will become easier? (or he truly is a sadist). Yet if  I say its easy then he pushes for more, until I no longer think its easy.  So, being in this no-win situation, or  win/win really, I try to say nothing, and just do.  Which makes sense, physical training is about doing. There is no need for excuses, just do it.  I did work out yesterday, not as hard as I would have had I been under the direction of Bo, but I did manage to  shed a minute off my mile run time. --But it was far from easy and I will not tell Bo because he will expect even more next week!

This past week I had a new understanding on how difficult it is to be wanting change, wanting to work for that change yet fearing the process of facing said change.  This is a feeling I think many people have, it's one that I took for granted-- I've known it on an intellectual level, but I have never felt it until now. It definitely takes an amazingly strong person to pursue  those changes despite the discomfort. Change is sometimes easy, and sometimes hard but  for sure either way you will grow.

week 3 down, 14 to go...What you see, will set you free

This has been an interesting week. 6 sessions completed with Bo.  My first session this week I was ambivalent because Bo warned me the prior session that I would be running a mile in less than 15 minutes.  Im not gonna lie, I have massive excuses to justify my inability to accomplish such task. Lack of sleep, still being sick and caring for 2 sick kids being among the top of that list.  But nonetheless I went. As I walked over to meet Bo I asked myself why did I stop short last week? Why couldn't I just finish? I dug deep to discover an answer within. The answer surprised me. Focus. I was not focusing on what I was doing and nothing else. I was paying attention to what I was doing and I was concentrating but I was also thinking of other stuff. There was too much mind chatter happening.  I told myself  "FOCUS".  Focus on only the exact thing you are doing. Much like learning to meditate it's way easier said then done. And it takes practice.  Having recognized this as an impairment to my progress I know it can be mastered, again with practice.  And I did it. I ran a mile in under 15 mins. Bo was feeding me words for motivation. I was trying to lock my eyes on something in my view, so I could focus on only what I was doing. Or maybe not focus on what I was doing rather just do what I was doing without thought. I kept my eyes gazed on the red umbrella off in the distance.  Task completed, task accomplished. Today I ran the whole mile, as opposed to the sprint and walk that clocked 13:33. I still ran the complete mile under 15 mins.  I had nothing to look at but myself-the treadmill  faces a mirrored wall. My gaze was locked onto myself, with the occasional look down to see the progress. Bo asked how did it feel to be running with the whole mile. I said it felt kinda weird, I'm not grounded like Im not present, Here I am watching myself run, feeling my heart race, feeling the sweat roll yet there was a divide between my physical being and my emotional self. I guess this mile being a new experience is just that-new. The 18" drop from my head to my heart has yet to land. Until it does, I will continue to act as if, and fake it till I make it.  I don't expect to feel total authenticity while running anytime soon, although I did not expect to be running a complete mile in only 3 weeks either.  I am looking forward to hitting my gym tomorrow now that Bo showed me how the machines work and I saw how I can run a mile!

I also picked up two of my old tools this week. My Fit Bit and my Spark People tracker. The fit bit was a bust, it worked only a half day and I now have to return it so that instant gratification will have to wait.  Tracking my food with Spark People has me more conscious of the actual calorie, carbohydrate, protein etc. of the foods I eat. While Bo was not happy with my choice of almond butter and flax seed crackers for dinner last night, I was fine with it since I was within my limit. I didn't tell him I went to Dennys either, but I did and I ordered the chicken avocado sandwich, apparently it is 550 calories (an in-n-out double double is 670). An unexpected really cool thing about eating healthier foods is that my appetite has decreased, I have noticed I don't get hungry that often.  Which makes sense if you eat  a lot of carbs or other fatty foods they kind of turn a switch on in your body that says feed me, feed me more. Sadly only your emotions are satisfied by eating unhealthy foods. --- eating crap foods also prevent the 18" drop from your head to your heart, which I believe prevents you from being the best you can be.

Today I made my first smoothie. I admit I was not happy with the price tag of the ingredients. But this is a way of life and with the things we see as top priority we make them happen.  And I know I am definitely a top priority!

banana-kale green tea
2 frozen bananas
5 kale leaves
2 cups brewed and cooled green tea
1/4 cup raw walnuts
1 teaspoon vanilla
Honey to taste

week 2 down, 15 to go...No- I know

I never much thought about the idiom Be careful what you wish for (you just might get it). 

It always seemed kind of silly to me, an oxymoron.  Be careful what you wish for --you just might get it? What does it mean? Is it that one isn't deserving of said wish or that one will discover the negatives of that particular wish?  Or perhaps it really wasn't what they wished for?

 During training with Bo today those words hit me and they hit me hard. 

Bo says, "you have 2 months ...", meaning I have 2 months before 5k day. Immediately I refuted that  remark doing the math in my head as I jogged along. It's not 2 months that sounds like no time at all--eventually feeling confident of the time line on my run back up I say, "it's 3 months", then I mumbled 3 1/2 actually.   Bo doesn't care about the details of the time line.  What he cares about is the goal, and the finish line.  While he has my goal in mind all that was running through my mind was do this, finish, don't puke. Today I lost the mental battle. Or maybe I gained a greater mental insight. I was 15 reps short of completing what was asked of me.  I had struggled all session long. It had been over a week since I worked with Bo.  I did not hit a gym while I was in Nor Cal, nor did I go for an extensive hike, or any hike. I did track food and the poorest food choice I made was what my health conscious daughter purchased at the GIANTS game-- a plate of chinese food which we shared.  I did drink however, and I drank a lot (a lot by my standards).  I did not think having the quick "get away" that I had, this early on in my training would cause that much of a disruption. Bo says it happens to everyone, some time off and you fall back into reset. We just train harder---

Bo says next week we are going to run a mile and in under 15 mins. Despite the mental chatter going on in my head I nodded to affirm, (probably because I was out of breath and couldn't say "ok").  I was ruminating over the whole "you have 2 months" and my immediate defensive response--  though its actually 15 weeks which is more than 2 months does that detail even really matter?  Is it a relaxed nature of mine that says "nah I have almost 3 1/2 months, don't sweat it", or is it my fear of success creeping on up behind me getting ready to deliver a swift kick of self sabotage? 

Bo's response to me was that he didn't care because I would be 5k ready well before the 5k run. Because he cares that I reach my goal, that I make the run despite any obstacles that may develop. There will be no excuses on race day because I will have been 5k run ready under a variety of different conditions. (like today, tired,  hot, sick, HOT etc.)

I get it, preparation is key. Using my (soon-to-be-old) mentality I think, no, I know I have 3 1/2 months, plenty of time to be run ready. But if  I  were to be run ready in 2 1/2 months what then? What would be so terrible about that? Are there any negatives to being run ready ahead of  game time?  No, it would just do away with any self sabotaging behavior and it would guarantee  me a success. 

I'm not usually a defensive person so when I reacted in a defensive manner I had to ponder why? Then thats when it hit me- be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  Do I want this or not?  No, do I really want it? ---now that the steps are in action it is on pace to happen. My (old) mentality was to not take on a sense of urgency (because there is none). My rationalizing has lead me to come up short in the past.  I think human nature is to think we have time- time for this or that or we tell ourselves this or that will happen "in time". Meanwhile the time is always present but we may fail to make the best use of our available time.  

 Fortunately for me I'm working on Bo's time now, and yes I want it!

week 1 down, 16 to go... Meet Bo

One complete week of working towards my 5k goal. I have had three sessions with Bo Francy, personal trainer.
I think I sweat more during one of his "work outs" than I did in all of my combined efforts when I went this alone.  (well, almost).

I work with Bo for both healthy eating and physical fitness. One of the takeaways I took from him last week was "its 80- 20" . Meaning what matters is 80% what you eat and 20% how you exercise.  This was a hard stat for me to grasp,  I checked the validity of such a finding with my daughter who is also my personal nutrition expert and she confirmed.  To me that is boggling.  It is a real eye opener.

One of the things I do  for Bo is track food, which I am used to doing. However it now takes a whole new meaning on.  This past weekend was a brutal food one for me. The GIANTS v PADRES game,  nothing beats a ball park polish chased with ice cold barley. Then there was the early Softball game my youngest had, which was cause for Mc Ds sausage mcmuffin chased with a Mikes hard lemonade.  Well, ok honestly it was a Mikes Harder lemonade!-- As I indulged I knew this was not part of Bo's game plan. But for me, it was what it was. No excuses, I could have lied. Had I lied to him he wouldn't have known. But I would know.  And thats what this process is about, me.

Today was a fun work out.  Though from my reaction Bo was probably thinking I was thinking otherwise! I faced things that yes, they have been done on The Biggest Loser and Extreme Make Over--and yes I thought, no I knew I could do them.  When its a thought, I know I can do it, when it became a reality I had some fear. Or I should say I had fear.  I actually only feared stepping up on the crate because I thought I would fall, and I had some doubts as to my ability to do some of the things, oh  I also feared puking.  That was probably the biggest fear of all today!---   I didn't fall, I did the things, and I didn't puke!  What I also struggled with was how the hour session with Bo seemed to last an eternity, yet when I returned home to some AC and Pandora an hour elapsed in what seemed like a blink of the eye! --


I will miss my training next Tuesday, because I will be out of town. Bo reminds me to get some exercise in and eat wisely.   I told him I would be meeting up with several different friends, so I will be pretty physical and  I assured him I would be on a liquid diet, because after all its the GIANTS v the PADRES at ATT!  right now I'm thinking I can forego the polish from ATT because the last one from Petco was a real let down. The ball park beer on the other hand? yummmmm  I guess its a good thing its the last game of the season!

80%  
what you put in your mouth
20%
what you do with your body

Here I GO AGAIN...

I dont know where I'm going but I sure know where ive been...

Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday..

and I've made up my mind....

I ain't wasting no more time....

 but here I go again, and... here I go again....but not on my own.....here I GO...

18 weeks to go---

        18 weeks sounds like a long time.  Christmas is less than 18 weeks away! - So the end of this year is less then......Anyway, here I Go again, but this time not on my own:)

Last year I began this blog 12 weeks at a time  to track and help me be accountable to myself as I worked towards my goal of running a 5k.  The weeks went by, the blogs posted, the 5k was completed.  It didn't turn out how I had hoped for, but I'm not going to complain.

It's a bit of  an irony that I help people achieve their goals, and make transformative changes that ultimately change their lives. While I do try to "practice what I preach" I somehow felt that,  I, myself, was enough to achieve this goal. I admire clients who are courageous enough to make that first call-and I know  years, even months of conditioned behaviors and thinking cannot readily be changed by oneself. ---I realized I am not enough to get me where I want to go- and that is running the whole course.-- this has been (another) great lesson in humility.

The newest season of The Biggest Loser began  and it sparked my desire to run, once again inspiring me with the amazing things people can do, when done with help. I searched on thumbtack for a personal trainer.  San Diego has a population of 3,211,252.  Ok, so that's being a bit dramatic since San Diego is also rather large.  To be more realistic,  the community I live in has over 42,000 .  But I live near both the 5 and 56 which allow me quick access to each the North, the South and the East (I live as west as can be:) What are the odds that I would choose a trainer within a 10 minute drive. Not too bad. But, as ironic as I often find life can be, the personal trainer I have chosen is my neighbor.  He lives across the street! --

He says he can get me running the 5k in less then 30mins. My time for the course last year is 56:42. I believe him! I think I can cut my 5k run time this year at least in half.  (which would be less then 30) and a success for both he and I.

The nice thing about having a personal trainer is 1) they know what they are doing, and 2) they are there to hold you accountable.  Some people may worry about disappointing their trainer, not me, because the only one whose disappointment matters is mine.


So this is week 1, and I have 17 to go...

A 5k we will run...2015!

1 week post race!

The Carmel Valley 5k has come and gone.  My goal was to RUN the 5k. Not walk, not run and walk, but run it in its entirety. I had been working on it for the past 12 weeks. In the scheme of things this goal was a low priority.  What matters most to us is where we will place our focus and attention. A goal is just that-something to work towards, unless we make our goal a priority we wont really attend much to it.

I remember years ago walking on the treadmill alongside my then teenage daughter and she laughed at me as she was running.  I now think it wasn't so much that my walking was what was humorous but perhaps it was more of her running that caused her to chuckle.  Daughters often feel this competitive streak with their mothers. Its very subtle. It's an unconscious drive as well, which basically means we do or say something with little thought-its just our extinctive response.  Its not even a "competition" per se between mother and daughter, its often daughter wanting to be different than mother- as daughter grows into who she is.  The teen age years are rarely easy but then again anything worth something is going to be a challenge.  I never really thought much about being a runner, I knew I was proud to see my daughter run both at the gym and during her track and field meets.  As for me I was quite content running from the batters box one base at a time.

In  2010 I took part in the  " Petaluma Foot Race".  It was a 3 or 5 mile walk/run that benefitted the schools.  The first year I "ran" with my son. He of course took off from the starting line and disappeared in the mass flow of people-- I was a little concerned but I knew I would eventually see him as long as we both stayed the course. I began running it, which didn't last long, as more ground was covered and I didn't spot Jake I became a little more worried and began running faster- I no longer was running the race I was a mother running to locate her young son.     Around the last corner and probably about 100 yards from the finishing line I spotted Jake sitting down-- he got tired and scared not knowing where I was. A male runner  was with him, (someone's caring dad!), he was kind enough to wait with Jake reassuring him I would turn up.---  This really wasn't a great experience but we made the best of it and together we crossed the finishing line.
        The following year I participated in the Foot Race with both Jake and littlest sister Karma.  I didn't run during this one at all, (due to recovering from a foot surgery)-I walked along side friends while our younger children  walked with us and the "older"  siblings ran off together. I didn't worry about Jake, we had a plan if we became separated which  was almost inevitable. Karma was always in my line of sight.  When Jake and I were separated the first year I felt awful.  He was scared and I couldn't go any faster than I was. Then to make it even worse after that race I felt broken. My feet felt shattered, my legs ached and I basically couldn't move!  It was during that point in time when I decided to plan and better train myself for the next footrace but then I suffered a foot injury and running was not an option, but I completed the Foot Race with both Jake and Karma and it was a fun family morning. -- (then we moved to So. Cal.)

The Carmel Valley 5k is a fundraiser for our school district. My goal was to run it-with my children. I prepared (aka trained) for the past 12 weeks in the hope of reaching said goal.  I did not reach this goal-so I will keep trying until I do! ---

Race day morning was a beautiful day, great weather and lots of friendly, familiar faces in the starting line. Jake was ambivalent he wanted to stay with us or run on his own-he went off on his own joining some friends along the way. Karma and I remained in the 10min/mile group. The race starts, we run with the flow then Karma takes off in and out of bodies to advance her self-- leaving me behind! Oh god, I think. DAMN!  so, Karma has taken off and how will I spot her, I feel a repeat of the first race Jake and I did together. I am not even out of the parking lot from the starting point and I'm scanning the crowd to spot Karma and there she is, walking against the flow with her hand over her chest, and a panic on her face. She didn't see me, fortunately vigilant mommy eyes spotted her, I called for her and we were reunited. Off to the side we went, I administered a couple shots of her inhaler, provided her with some mommy love and encouragement and on our way we went-walking. Little Karma was in tears, saying her chest hurt her and she couldn't run.  This bewilders me since Karma is the healthiest looking athlete in the family.  Karma and I walked and ran the 5k, with an emphasis on WALK, I guesstimate I ran 1 mile total.  Even though my goal of running it was missed my priority of being there for my children was made-together Karma and I crossed the finished line. and with Jake waiting for us we had a great family fun morning!



There is a GIANTS RUN in Scottsdale on March 8, I would LOVE to do--but I know I wont since  mommy responsibilities, (children's sports),  will prevent me from doing so-however, there is a San Diego 5k on March 9 which is my new goal! --- I have 6 weeks to go...

11 weeks down....4 DAYS TO GO!!!

There is little to distinguish an excuse from a reason.  A reason is something that explains a situation/circumstance so in context it makes sense and can be clearly understood by most anyone.  An excuse on the other hand is something said to support your decision. An excuse often blames external factors which then gives you a sense of relief  for not performing-an excuse provides you with an (acceptable) "out".  Excuses  allow us to avoid taking personal responsibility for our own actions. When we have a reason for a change in our plans we have accepted responsibility and we have chosen to change our plan of action. I don't like excuses, I strive for personal accountability and therefore personal responsibility.

 84 days behind me and 4 more in front of me. Here I sit with tea and honey and a box of Kleenex! My ribs hurt from coughing so much and my chest feels like its on fire. -- I am grateful my lungs have opened a bit more since the weekend. I can inhale without choking so the self care remedies I am applying are working. At first I refused to acknowledge any sickness in me.  I decided it was allergies, even calling it a summer cold (despite being Winter time- but hey this is So.Cal living!). I resigned over the weekend and accepted the fact that this 12 week plan of mine is not ending the way I imagined.  --. I cant say "didn't end"  because it wont end until Saturday, when the  Carmel Valley 5k is completed. --as for this week I imagined myself running an easy 1-2 miles almost daily in order to conquer the 3 mile run Saturday.  That's just not happening:(   and that's OK. It is what it is.  I'm not going to make any excuses, I don't need to.  I am accountable to myself and I don't want to tell myself lies or excuse my self for not reaching my goals.  When you lie to yourself it makes it so much easier to lie to others, and then its easier for you to live the lie.

This 12 weeks did not have the end result I was hoping for. So, since quitters never win and  winners never quit I wont call it a  total fail,  I will call it a "miss". All things remain in place and I will continue my pursuit and journey on towards the Scottsdale Giants Race!! It is March 8, which is 7 weeks away.  Realistically I will have 6 weeks to prepare for it. Which would then be a total of 18 weeks of life style change--all my tools remain actively in use, my mind set is "in it to win it", and I cant wait to see what the end of the next 6 weeks will result in!--- I'm not getting too excited about the Scottsdale Race since there are lots of logistics that need to be squared away as well as Mom duties.--(namely basketball for 2 kids, baseball for 2 kids and softball for 1!)

As for now- I have 4 days to best prepare myself for the Carmel Valley 5k. Not much more can be done other than trying my best-and the best is what will come!

10 weeks down...12 DAYS TO GO...

Ten weeks down, 12 days to go, one day at a time!  'One day at a time' a familiar slogan especially in the  world of recovery. When one day at a time isn't even manageable chunk it down to one hour at a time, or one minute.   Time passes--no matter-- it waits for no one. How we choose to perform at any given time is on us. This has been an interesting past couple of weeks where life really interfered with 'my plan'. Looking back on it now I feel like the previous 8 weeks were cakewalk! 

I have no idea how I will perform in the upcoming 5k.  I think the Couch to 5k is a great program and does work- While I was keeping with the training I was on track, not easy by any means but manageable and definitely worth the effort.  When my phone crashed and my data was lost it was disappointing. However, I  chose to resume where I was by skipping the first 5 weeks of training. I did that for 3 sessions and when my times were logged I found myself feeling incomplete (the data was inconsistent).   I then decided I could start over with day 1, session 1, and complete it on a daily basis (rather than the every other day it is programmed for), so I started over.  That was an interesting concept for me to wrap my head around- to start over? Its so easy to tell others, especially your children "oh you don't like how its going? well just start over"  or when the building blocks they are so carefully working on come tumbling down  we reassure them that  it's alright and direct them to start over. This got me thinking about  "starting over" especially since we moved over the new year and it feels so much like 'starting over', yet remaining the same. Starting over doesn't have to be grim it can in fact be refreshing.  In many ways starting over is like a second chance and when it comes along its an opportunity to relieve yourself of past regrets, not relive them. Take the lessons learned and generously apply them!

 My replacement phone crashed. The phone with the 'started over' Couch-2-5k app. The phone didn't exactly crash -it just isn't taking a charge and its now left drained and useless.  Yes, I will get a new replacement for the recently replaced phone, and yes I could start over. Or I might just try again. 

The SparkPeople app has an on line version so that data has remained. The newly added Fitbit also has an on line version so that data is safe. The Fitbit has been a great addition yet I wonder if it also hasn't served as a hindrance.  I value it for its 'weight loss' component but I think I may have compensated my treadmill jog  time for "steps in a day" time. One night I was about 600 steps short of 10k so I literally paced the floors in my home!  Then I simplified it by marching in place. And when I tired out Fitbit logged nearly 3x's the needed movements to reach the days goal.  So-since then I have pulled out the mini trampoline and I run away.  I have really surprised myself at how long I can run in place on it-- through 1/2 of a Law an Order or a complete Judge Judy show!  I have since added weights and have a whole mini circuit running in my living room.  There is heavy breathing, sweat dripping and throbbing muscles, in conjunction with accelerating and exhilarating heart activity. I don't know how trampoline time computes into run time, but I do know either is definitely worth my time! Its up to me on how I want to perform. 

8 weeks down...4 to go...

 I am goal driven. And I am a dreamer.  Sometimes the line is very thin between a goal and a dream.  Often a dream can be made into a goal. I am not sure if its my right brained dreamy side or my left brained logic-goal side that has dominated me this past week.  None the less, I have a goal and its prize is called completion. This has been an overwhelming, surreal week for me.  I lost enthusiasm with the couch to 5k app since my data was lost with the loss of my phone. I decided to just do free runs instead, but I'm not sure if that's the best strategy to take. I am so looking forward to seeing what the Fitbit will record when I run with it! ---  It didn't record last week which I thought was odd, and this week I haven't run:(  This week I moved--it was an unexpected, unintended, poorly timed, much needed change.  The Fitbit was my silent partner during this 3 day process, with today being the most active (and the finale of the move "out").  Not  a single day went by where I didn't think about the training for the 5k I am NOT doing, and not a day went by where I didn't think about January 25.  I don't know what will happen on that date. I do know once the kids are back in school and the unpacking and settling in completes I will have a much better idea of how I might do! I also know one way or another I will complete it!   By turning  this simple dream of mine into a goal, its been made possible.  My goal is the 5k, my prize is completion and I have not taken my eyes off the prize!