Now it is I’m back!

Unbelievable  to think that now I am officially in the “I’m back” category.  I hung on to doing what I can, watching my diet and making the best — until too many stressors in life took over and my energy was depleted.  While I know being active and physical will create more energy when my energy was already at a deficit it became too much.  I have a classic ‘woe is me’ story as many people do but the bottom line truly does come down to priorities and then commitment.  When you have your priorities in order you can better manage your time, when you’re committed to those priorities you figure out how to make all the stressors of life work around what’s most important for you.  Obviously, working- earning money is a priority, as well as parenting.  And the Parenting clause is almost always in a state of influx.  Which means I must at times sacrifice my priorities for the needs of my children. Health should never be sacrificed though. Health = diet (as in food for fuel), exercise (respect the body that holds you together) and rest (quality sleep for physical / mental care).  My blog address is fit2follow — because I must be fit to be followed and my children will follow my lead. I wish I had a healthy mentality in 2001 when my oldest of my final trio of babies was born.  Of course had I been healthy minded years ago I likely wouldn’t have been in the relationship/marriage I was in.  I have come to terms with my choices of the past simply because accepting them is required in order to  process through and move on.  I keep the words of Maya Angelo in my mind often - when people know better they do better.  I am very outnumbered with my children and their many needs but I’m also idealistic enough to remind myself everything happens for a reason.   I’m not quite sure the reason for my health setback, could be any one of the many lessons learned but I do know once again I’m in a spot where I do not like and if it’s to be it’s up to me! So, here I am- I’m back! 

It’s been over 8 months since I’ve been to OrangeTheory Fitness, (my former drug of choice), and before that I was only briefly back after a 6 month hiatus. I’m days away from returning (to OTF) but I am weeks, maybe even months away from returning to a 100% all out! This next month I’m building my way back up to a steady, healthy workout.


I hit a wall with reality and now I must make the changes I want to see.  Having a milestone birthday not too far away is a great motivator!

11 Months later, continuing on...

It’s not I’m back, it’s I’m continuing on! I find it hard to believe that it’s been 11 months since I blogged. The interest has been present while the  time has been unavailable. When I began this journey I wrote every week- my goal was simple. Finish a 5k, running. That was 4 years ago. A lot has changed since then while a lot remains the same. I think for me what made the biggest difference was when my personal trainer accused me of not being committed. How dare he.  What does know? Well, what he knew was actions speak louder than words and my actions weren’t showing him what my words were saying. Yes I showed up for training and I exercised regularly and counted my calories but the weight was not coming off as HE expected it to. It still hasn’t lol. And I have never stopped exercising or resumed eating the way I had the first 40 or so years of my life.  I remember feeling the nerve he struck when he accused me of not being committed. I was mad and I ran a self check to see if there was any validity to it. I knew for me to get defensive  there was probably some truth in it that I wasn’t wanting or willing to see. Eventually I realized he was right — I wasn’t willing to do whatever it took.  But that’s because I had many, many good reasons for not being able to— and I was after all doing the best I could. Or was I? Likely not, it’s a sliding bar with no limits.
Another huge help was reminding myself I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don’t ever want to be sick and tired again and a healthy diet is all it takes to avoid such feeling.  As I get older I just want to get better. With aging comes certain obstacles but they are not road blocks.  The obstacles in life are like stepping stones, each one provides us a new perspective if we pay attention, if we honor them we can continue on, not despite them but because of them.  I might not ever run another 30 min 5k. but I can still run.

It’s been 6 months since I worked out at Orangetheory Fitness. The absence was due to a torn meniscus. During this time off from OTF the number on the scale didn’t significantly  change, nor did my diet. There was some depression- I still miss an outdoors run- like literally opening the front door and going for a run!  When I blew my knee out running in the streets of San Francisco 6 months ago I new I was done, I didn’t know for how long. I’m far from 100%, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to continue on...

Success tastes better after failure!

                                 #chasing190, CHASED IT AWAY!
I continue on this journey, this "life style change".  I'm not sure when it stops being a "change" and it is just a way of life? I guess that's subjective and is a matter of opinion.

I failed at reaching #190, again.  Or, more accurately stated I continue to fail at reaching 190 pounds. It's now off the table completely. No, that's not to be confused with giving up. I don't know what it's like to weigh 190, (I don't remember the feels of
1987).  I do however know what it's like to weigh like me.


A few weeks back I had this "ah ha" moment. The "ah ha" was bittersweet, it brought me a sense of comfort and relief while also crushing me with a painful sting. I was nearing the end of a yoga class- in Savanasa. I was thinking about how amazing the human body is.  I love watching the poses the instructor does, I  would like to be able to do them but for now I'm still trying to master a solid Tree Pose (practice, practice, PRACTICE!).


The human body is amazing- and my human body grew 4 babies and carried an extra 100 pounds not to mention the other forms of neglect and borderline abuse that I have subjected it to during its 48 years of existence.
  I was there in stillness- feeling grateful that I can run, work-out and practice yoga because my body has never failed me.  I asked myself what does my body want from me? Why cant I lose the weight I want?---

 "What more do you want?" -- that was the response I received! I am strong, I am healthy and I am capable. I won't ever weigh under 200 pounds. OUCH!! That was the sting, again it was repeated with a deep sigh of relief, "I won't ever weigh under 200 pounds", then the tears followed.  As I processed through this newly identified insight my breathing was in perfect harmony while I reached a place of acceptance.  The flow of  my tears were of a restorative nature. This was not a poor me, I give up, self-pity party. It was a lucky me, I will continue to honor myself and be grateful for what I can do. The self induced pressure is off, the reality is I will forever continue to seek self improvement. It truly was a bittersweet moment because it didn't leave me bitter, it just left me better.

#chasing190

Been awhile since I blogged! I have thought about it, that's a problem with being an emotional person we think a lot. We often  have so many thoughts and so many emotions without enough time or skill to manage them. So, we feed them. Chocolate does make most things better, right?  Happy? Lets celebrate! Sad, angry, lonely? Lets sugar it up! Bored? Lets just chomp?  Anxious? Lets stuff it to stop it!--

I remember when I had my "ah ha" moment that taught me I was feeding my anxiety. I'm not an anxious person by nature and first I had to accept the fact that sometimes I experience anxiety.  I realized I was mindlessly eating, seeking to gain control of my innerworld. I was already practicing my "food is fuel" mantra. I wanted control and somehow being able to eat and eat and eat more led me to the false belief that the result would be satisfying.  I guess my theory was that being satiated would lead me to being satisfied—since feeling anxiety is on the opposite  end of the satisfaction scale. The problem was not feeding my emotions, but feeding my body. Emotions need to be identified and processed, they can't be drowned out or stuffed down so far they disintegrate.  They need time-and no food can speed time up.

I don't know where I am in this process of mine, since life is a journey. Eating healthy is my preference and working out is a priority. It's been about 3 years and 3 months since I began my change for a healthy lifestyle, 40 months and 3 days to be exact. When I started I wasn't aiming for a specific weight goal.  I was going for a 10 min mile. I chased a 10 min mile for awhile.  I would like to run faster but I am satisfied with my running time. I believe the only way I will run faster is by weighing less. At some point I set a weight goal. I have been trying to crack 200 pounds for over 3 years! At one point in time I was 1 pound away!--  What did I do to fail? Was it self sabotage?  I don't know- but at the time I was 0  carbs for 2 weeks and I kind of like carbs.  A 0 carb diet for life is not a diet I want. It's not sustainable. I went through a period where I was not eating enough protein (and not losing any weight despite calorie counting and working out).  No matter what you still can’t out exercise a bad diet.

Sadly it really isn't as easy as calories in, calories burned out.  But here I go again!  This time I'm chasing 190! I want to reach my goal weight of 190 by my birthday in April. 190 is the weight that my drivers license says and I guarantee you I did not weigh 190 when I received it.  I think the last time I weighed 190 was in 1986. I was a large 190 then I was a pregnant 200+ in 1987 and it just went up from there. I don't know what's different this time. I have a different mind set, I feel more determined than ever to reach my weight goal. #1 being to crack 200 and the ultimate to weigh #190. My kids are as supportive as they can be (they are tween, and teens so that doesn't mean much!)  I have always believed in setting goals and enjoy a good

challenge.   Setting this goal and having my children watch me work for it and accomplish it is a bonus!

Anyway, I'm back on my 12 weeks at a time! This time I'm #chasing190

The faces of change....

When I decided to make a change it was a big change. I wanted to change the way the way I looked and how much I weighed. I didn't think that I was one of those dieters who had tried almost every diet with limited success. But when I ran down the list of "diet plans" I had tried I realized I was in fact one of those repeat dieters. I had to change something- because what I was doing wasn't working.                          It was as simple as getting a personal trainer that was the needed change for me. He made me do things physically I never would have done on my own; at the gym, in public, and under his judgemental eye. 

"It's 80% diet and 20% what you do with your body"-- seems like a simple enough concept. Watch your diet- don't eat more calories than you burn. But do eat enough to keep up with your physical activity. I

When Life takes over---

It's been over a month since I have found the time to blog.  My blog began as a way for me to help stay accountable. Especially in the beginning when I was on the countdown to my original goal of running a 5k.   There have been many things I have thought about writing in my blog over this period of time, yet I have not had the desire to do so!  Life is good.  Things are great!  I ran a 10k in Scottsdale a couple weeks back that was fun.  I didn't PR which I was hoping to but I did go 2 weeks 0 carbs and it was during that time. I definitely felt a difference in my run performance with no carbs.  Carbs are needed. I did lose 8 pounds in the 2 weeks of no carbs, 4 of which have promptly returned!(carbs damn you!)   I am looking forward to my 2nd Hot Chocolate run next week- I do hope to PR, but I guess as a competitive person every race I participate in I hope to PR!--  I even finished another 6 week weight loss challenge at OTF and actually won 2nd place!-- that was a big surprise since at the midway weigh in I was up a few pounds (yes no doubt all muscle).  I'm still chasing a number on the scale AND a 23% body fat percentage.  

This journey is a wild one for sure. So many peaks and valleys and for me I feel there were way more valleys than peaks.   Life is not a sprint, it's definitely more of a marathon model. Endurance is the key to longevity! I have met a lot of people in this process which is great. I have lost a few friends too- which is not so great.  I was recently asked why do I post the before's and after's and the sweaty selfies as much as I do.   They asked me if it was out of pride.  Yes, it is pride and also I hope to motivate, inspire and encourage others that if  I can do it so can you! The transformation from being morbidly obese to an average size is not easy and it's way more psychological than it is physical.   If we don't like something about ourselves we do have the ability to change it. Losing 100 pounds is an easy change to see but any change we are willing to work for is a change hard earned, well worth it, and much deserved!

January 2017-- Happy is a Choice

2014 I walked 90% with Karma who had an asthma attack right out of the gate,
2015 I ran most- with Jake who was sick as can be but wanted to do it
2016 recovering from brachioplasty 4 weeks out, first return to running
2017 feeling my healthiest, expecting my strongest-- success!
-- evidence that supports the best is yet to come! 

I am not where I want to be, but I am happy where I am.  First off 2 things- 1) I dislike the word "but", that is "but", not "butt", butts I like. But, "but" not so much! and 2) As cliche as it is if you're not able to be happy with yourself, or with what you have, how can you be happy with someone / something else.

 (I also dislike the word "fair", as in "life isn't fair"-- because life isn't fair.  It's a developmental norm for a child to complain using "fair" as an argument.  An adult complaining about what's fair sounds like a child.

The Carmel Valley 5k was last weekend. I would have had a flat 30 minute time, but  I don't. But does it matter?  It does not.  I can tell you due to the clog of people at the starting line  I lost the 30 seconds needed to hit it under 30 minutes. But who cares?  I have been chasing a 30 min 5k time since I began living rather than just existing-- in other words since I began making changes with  my lifestyle.  I actually hit a 1:02 10 k- which means I succeeded at a 10 min mile pace but I was focused on the 10 mile race the following week I failed to notice my accomplishment.

I am happy and yes proud too of my 30:28 5k time, but- I realize my time is irrelevant. What I am most excited about is the progression over the years that have allowed me to reach this point.   I look at some of my before pictures and I  cant believe its me.  How did I choose that? How did I not know how badly the excess weight affected every area of my life? How did I not know how liberated I would feel once becoming a more "average" size . Which ironically standard BMI guidelines would place me in the obese category (after losing about 100 pounds STILL) and unless I want to lose muscle I will always remain in the "overweight" category. I have a few pounds of fat to lose before reaching my goal of 23% body fat.  I'm hoping to accomplish this by April. I am in week 2 of another Orangetheory Weight Loss Challenge.  I am not working out as much -due to my  muscle pain, but weight loss is more about food than exercise and I have changed up my diet again. When what you were doing wasn't working it's time to try something different.

  I no longer care if I run a 10 min mile- I only care that I don't stop.  I will still set time goals for myself, I wanted to hit the first 15k of this year in 99 mins,  I made it in 102 minutes!   Did I get what I wanted? No.  Was I happy with what I got? YES.  The Hot Chocolate Run is coming up I'm going to shoot for a flat 90 minute 15k and honestly I'm just going to be happy about the chocolate at the end!  I also plan to run my first half marathon on April 23, the La Jolla half- afterall I can't think of a better way to start my  47th birthday! Life is made for living, not simply existing.