Success tastes better after failure!

                                 #chasing190, CHASED IT AWAY!
I continue on this journey, this "life style change".  I'm not sure when it stops being a "change" and it is just a way of life? I guess that's subjective and is a matter of opinion.

I failed at reaching #190, again.  Or, more accurately stated I continue to fail at reaching 190 pounds. It's now off the table completely. No, that's not to be confused with giving up. I don't know what it's like to weigh 190, (I don't remember the feels of
1987).  I do however know what it's like to weigh like me.


A few weeks back I had this "ah ha" moment. The "ah ha" was bittersweet, it brought me a sense of comfort and relief while also crushing me with a painful sting. I was nearing the end of a yoga class- in Savanasa. I was thinking about how amazing the human body is.  I love watching the poses the instructor does, I  would like to be able to do them but for now I'm still trying to master a solid Tree Pose (practice, practice, PRACTICE!).


The human body is amazing- and my human body grew 4 babies and carried an extra 100 pounds not to mention the other forms of neglect and borderline abuse that I have subjected it to during its 48 years of existence.
  I was there in stillness- feeling grateful that I can run, work-out and practice yoga because my body has never failed me.  I asked myself what does my body want from me? Why cant I lose the weight I want?---

 "What more do you want?" -- that was the response I received! I am strong, I am healthy and I am capable. I won't ever weigh under 200 pounds. OUCH!! That was the sting, again it was repeated with a deep sigh of relief, "I won't ever weigh under 200 pounds", then the tears followed.  As I processed through this newly identified insight my breathing was in perfect harmony while I reached a place of acceptance.  The flow of  my tears were of a restorative nature. This was not a poor me, I give up, self-pity party. It was a lucky me, I will continue to honor myself and be grateful for what I can do. The self induced pressure is off, the reality is I will forever continue to seek self improvement. It truly was a bittersweet moment because it didn't leave me bitter, it just left me better.

#chasing190

Been awhile since I blogged! I have thought about it, that's a problem with being an emotional person we think a lot. We often  have so many thoughts and so many emotions without enough time or skill to manage them. So, we feed them. Chocolate does make most things better, right?  Happy? Lets celebrate! Sad, angry, lonely? Lets sugar it up! Bored? Lets just chomp?  Anxious? Lets stuff it to stop it!--

I remember when I had my "ah ha" moment that taught me I was feeding my anxiety. I'm not an anxious person by nature and first I had to accept the fact that sometimes I experience anxiety.  I realized I was mindlessly eating, seeking to gain control of my innerworld. I was already practicing my "food is fuel" mantra. I wanted control and somehow being able to eat and eat and eat more led me to the false belief that the result would be satisfying.  I guess my theory was that being satiated would lead me to being satisfied—since feeling anxiety is on the opposite  end of the satisfaction scale. The problem was not feeding my emotions, but feeding my body. Emotions need to be identified and processed, they can't be drowned out or stuffed down so far they disintegrate.  They need time-and no food can speed time up.

I don't know where I am in this process of mine, since life is a journey. Eating healthy is my preference and working out is a priority. It's been about 3 years and 3 months since I began my change for a healthy lifestyle, 40 months and 3 days to be exact. When I started I wasn't aiming for a specific weight goal.  I was going for a 10 min mile. I chased a 10 min mile for awhile.  I would like to run faster but I am satisfied with my running time. I believe the only way I will run faster is by weighing less. At some point I set a weight goal. I have been trying to crack 200 pounds for over 3 years! At one point in time I was 1 pound away!--  What did I do to fail? Was it self sabotage?  I don't know- but at the time I was 0  carbs for 2 weeks and I kind of like carbs.  A 0 carb diet for life is not a diet I want. It's not sustainable. I went through a period where I was not eating enough protein (and not losing any weight despite calorie counting and working out).  No matter what you still can’t out exercise a bad diet.

Sadly it really isn't as easy as calories in, calories burned out.  But here I go again!  This time I'm chasing 190! I want to reach my goal weight of 190 by my birthday in April. 190 is the weight that my drivers license says and I guarantee you I did not weigh 190 when I received it.  I think the last time I weighed 190 was in 1986. I was a large 190 then I was a pregnant 200+ in 1987 and it just went up from there. I don't know what's different this time. I have a different mind set, I feel more determined than ever to reach my weight goal. #1 being to crack 200 and the ultimate to weigh #190. My kids are as supportive as they can be (they are tween, and teens so that doesn't mean much!)  I have always believed in setting goals and enjoy a good

challenge.   Setting this goal and having my children watch me work for it and accomplish it is a bonus!

Anyway, I'm back on my 12 weeks at a time! This time I'm #chasing190