so cliche- "you got to love your self...." blah blah blah....I thought I did-- I have a healthy sense of self, I am confident, strong, aware of my abilities/shortcomings and of course I'm an all around good person with a genuine heart!  Whats not to love?!-- silly thing though when I look in the mirror I remind myself what it is I don't love.--- its horrible to say but I don't like seeing my mom on my face. I hate it actually. (And I don't hate much, since hate is such a strong word). Alas, there is a starting point for me, how to turn that hate of my (own) face into a face that I (can) love?  And I do not hate my mom, I  love my mom. It even pains me to admit aloud that I look like her-and I hate it.  I hope none of my daughters will ever feel this way but if they do I will understand, and I will know that it just means they don't love a part of themselves.

 When I look into the mirror I do not  feel like the person I see.  This morning I realised I don't feel as fat as I look.  I never have. Despite not doing some of the things I long to do, such as ride, surf, ski, run-- I keep myself in the delusion that since I'm active I must be somewhat fit.  Hell I run after my kids!  --  it isn't that being fat is keeping me from doing certain things, although seriously whens the last time you saw an obese surfer riding the waves? --its that the weight locks in the fear, and its the fear that prevents me from doing.   It could be another example of a persons fear of success (yes my fear of success).  If I drop the hated weight what will hold me back??

Anyway also along with todays self discovery I was enlightened by another  thought that said I must be fit in order for my kids to follow.---  The kids and I are planning on running a 5k in January and I dont want to be the one following! I must be leading my littles--- I must be fit to follow!

This is week one of  this 12 weeks of my life, at this time. This blog will journey with me during the next 11 weeks...I'm hopeful during this time period I will look in the mirror and I will love who i see! --
(and just in time for ski season!)